The Midwinter Candle

*”Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes our deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light”* Albert Schweitzer 

At Youth Encounter, each December, all of the ministry teams gather together at a camp in Wisconsin for what we call “Midwinter Training”.  During this week, teams discuss tough issues they have been facing in their Fall tour, gather together in worship and fellowship with the other teams, and share their programs with the rest of the Youth Encounter family. From community time to snow tubing to meal times and everything in between- there are activities put in place to meet the needs of each teamer and where they may be at mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in the week leading up to their winter vacation.

One space that is available for teams during Midwinter Training is the prayer chapel. The prayer chapel is a quiet place where people can go to pray, reflect, and share their hearts with God. In the prayer chapel there is a journal for teamers to write, share their thoughts, and read about former teamers Midwinter experiences. In the prayer chapel there are different stations. There is a fireplace with a weeping wall, a cross for bandaging burdens, an area to be refreshed by God, and many other little areas that focus on some aspect of human life and faith. The room is lit solely by Christmas lights and warmed by a fireplace. It is the perfect place to go and spend some intentional time with God.

When I was on team last year, I didn’t spend any time in the prayer chapel. But this year, as a staff member, it was my job to make sure that the stations in the prayer chapel were stocked each day and that the prayer chapel was closed down each night. Each morning I would make sure the lights were lit, the supplies for each station were filled, and throughout the day I would go and see if anything needed to be replenished. I probably stopped by the prayer chapel at least five times each day between various activities. But I never stopped to spend time in prayer myself.

That was until our last night at camp…

On the last night of Midwinter Training after communion worship, everyone gathers together for Hygge time (a Danish word loosely translated to “hang out” time). It is often teamer’s favorite night of training because everyone plays games, drinks hot tea and hot chocolate, laughs and chats, and sings worship songs. It’s a great way to end the week and sends everyone home on a happy note. About twenty minutes into Hygge time, I decided to go and check on the prayer chapel for the last time before I started playing my favorite game for the rest of the night. As I walked into the prayer chapel, I was immediately overwhelmed by the table of lit tealight candles. One of the stations in the prayer chapel is a candlelit prayer station. People can come in and pray over a specific person and then light a tea candle for that person and allow it to burn until the candle dies. There were about forty candles on the table at the start of each day and it was my job to make sure to refill the candles each morning so that there were fresh candles for new prayers.

When I arrived at the prayer chapel that night there were about twenty candles lit on the table, the most I had seen all week. As I looked around the room, I got this overwhelming need to pray. Since coming off of team last August, I’d been struggling in my relationships, in finding forgiveness for a few people, in feeling God, and in figuring out where I fit in life. I hadn’t taken much time that week to pray or focus on myself. In fact, it was a great distraction from all of the things that I was currently hiding from. In the prayer chapel that night, I couldn’t hide anymore. I could feel God telling me that I needed to come to Him and that I needed to pray for two very special people in my life. The first person and I had been really struggling in our relationship. We stopped treating each other with the love and consideration that we had just a few months before. We began to ignore each other, hide from the problems that we were facing with each other, and gave off the impression that we no longer cared for the other. I had just a few days earlier contacted this person and shared how I wanted so badly for our relationship to grow again. I wasn’t sure whether or not they would ever respond back to what I had said. I didn’t expect them to, but I also didn’t want to give up on them and all they once meant to me. This had been a relationship I’d been praying for and through for a few weeks. And I felt, even though our relationship may be over, that I still needed to pray for this person.

I sat down on the couch in front of the table of candles and began to pray: that God would take care of them, that they were finding happiness and peace in their life, that they would realize how much they meant to me. And as I prayed, I tried to light a candle for them. But the candle just wouldn’t seem to light. And the more I tried, the more difficult it became. I tried everything. I pulled up on the wick of the candle (which clearly should have lit), I dumped out any wax that may have built up around the wick, I stopped trying to light it for a little while to let it dry out and then come back to it… And the candle still wouldn’t light. I began to feel very frustrated and could tell that I was on the verge of tears.

So, I moved on to the other person I wanted to pray for knowing I could come back to this one. I prayed for the second person and asked God to help me forgive them. I asked God to bless their lives and help them grow closer to Him. I prayed over our relationship and shared what I hoped could come of our relationship in the future. And then I went to light the candle for them. It lit right away. I barely needed to put a flame near it and the candle lit. I was almost taken aback with how quickly it lit and how bright it shined amongst the other candles. I know I smiled a little in that moment.

And then, I went back to my first candle. I refused to grab a new or different candle and light it instead of the first candle. I felt as if grabbing a new candle would show that I was giving up on this person and didn’t believe their flame could be relit. I tried for a few more minutes to light the candle, but it still wouldn’t light. At this point, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I could feel the tears begin to run down my cheeks as I tried hard not to cry. For the first time in weeks, I allowed myself to cry for this person, for myself, and for our relationship. In the solitude of the prayer chapel, I verbally let God hear what was in my heart. I cried to Him. I yelled at Him. I shared with Him my fears, my hopes, and my uncertainty. And when I was done, I placed my unlit candle in the middle of the twenty or so other lit candles and allowed their light to illuminate my candle.

I remember leaving the prayer chapel a few minutes later feeling overwhelmed, confused, and a little sad. Why hadn’t I been able to light this candle when it had all of the resources to light? There was no reason that my candle shouldn’t have lit. It was exactly the same as all the other candles that did light. What did my candle or (maybe even) I lack? Why couldn’t I make this one candle spark a flame when I was so desperate to ignite it? Why did everyone else’s candles light and not mine?

I tried to figure it out in the following days and map out all the possible answers to what my unlit candle meant. Did the fact that the candle didn’t light mean I should give up on this person? Did it mean I should stop trying and that their flame couldn’t be lit by me anymore like it had before? Did it mean that they had strayed from God? Did it mean I was supposed to stop praying for them or stop trying to be in their life? Or was God telling me that I’d been doing enough and that my constant prayers for this person were already heard? Or that it wasn’t my job to light their candle anymore? Or that He was taking care of it and didn’t require my help?

I wish I knew the answer. Or could say that God spoke loud and clear to me the very next day and all is well with this person and our relationship is back to the way that it was. But that’s not true.  I’m still very much in the midst of figuring out what this relationship will become in the future, if anything. I truly thought I would never hear from this person again and that I no longer mattered to them. As I left the prayer chapel that night I asked God to help me let go of this person for good if they were not going to be a part of my life any longer and that He would give me the strength to not contact them again unless they contacted me first. I started to feel peaceful about this request and decision a few days later. The Monday after my midwinter candle experience, as I got ready for the day, I thanked God for giving me peace in knowing that I had done all I could to fix this relationship and that all I can do is control myself. And I prayed one more time that God would continue to give me peace because I felt this person would never reach out to me. No more than one hour later, this person contacted me after almost three weeks. I am still unsure of what my midwinter candle experience means but I know I’ve learned a lot through this experience and those surrounding it.

I tend to be someone who relies only on myself and often assume people will fail to follow through. In fact, I often expect people to disappoint me. And when I start to see this happen, I tend to harden my heart rather quickly towards that person and simply move on. But through this, I’ve seen God work in wonderful ways, and not in my time but in His time. I would have loved to solve my relationship trouble with this person back in October and either move past them or work on our relationship. There were times where I almost picked up the phone and either yelled at them out of anger or cried to them out of desperation, but it seemed like every time I prayed I kept getting this overwhelming sense to wait and not harden my heart. So, I choose to hold my head high for another day, pray some more, and wait. And even though I still have no idea what any of this means, I feel God is teaching me to trust. To wait. To be patient. To not give up too quickly. To be open to second chances. To do all that I can before I ever give up. And, in times where I can’t light my candle, to put it in the midst of those that do shine and realize that I don’t have to do any of it alone.

Choose Contentment

*”We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy; when we get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood. It’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry; it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, but that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.”* One Tree Hill

This life can be really hard. Things don’t always turn out the way we had hoped or envisioned. And, sometimes, despite our best intentions, efforts, or planning, we are left feelings as though we have failed at the things we truly want to accomplish in life. In fact, I’d bet if you ask most people, they’d say life rarely goes according to plan. We give. We take. We love. We lose.  We try. We fail. We trust. We doubt. We are honest. We lie. We learn. We forget. We care. We disregard. We take risks. We live in fear. We fight. We give up.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about contentment and what exactly that word means to me.

In simple terms, to be content is to be satisfied. Fulfilled. At Ease. Untroubled. Tranquil. I wish I could say that since I last wrote that I have been living and feeling these words. Sadly, the opposite is true. I haven’t felt much happiness or peace. I haven’t been feeling very grateful or kind-hearted. I haven’t been excited for the future or overly loving towards others. In fact, for a few weeks, I felt very apathetic. Life seemed uncertain and mundane. Most days, I would have rather spent time alone than with another person. I’ve been stubborn and selfish. I’ve been afraid and uneasy. I’ve been impatient and unapproachable. Since returning home a little over six weeks ago, for much of the time, I have felt like a very weak version of myself.

I’ve been so caught up in what I don’t have, in what I want, in what I’ve yet to achieve, that I’ve failed to truly live and enjoy each day that I’ve been given. The silver linings and rainbows that I am used to seeing quickly became dark rain clouds that followed me around like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. I’ve been panicked and anxious about my future and what career path God will lead me to. I’ve been unsure of how to go about finding discernment and that has left me feeling very uneasy. I’ve also been very fearful and apprehensive about my relationships and how they’ll grow, change, or fail now that I’m back home. Six weeks ago, I honestly felt I no longer fit anywhere and that I didn’t have one stable, reliable relationship. I felt like I had lost the most important and intimate relationship I’d developed and didn’t know how to re-establish relationships with the people back home. Over the course of my time back home, I’ve been missing certain people but have been too stubborn to seek them out or put in too much effort for fear that they don’t value our relationship as much as I do. I’ve also let other relationships suffer because I’ve been too consumed by my own baggage or have been too afraid to truly share how messy I feel my life has been. I also have been struggling with feeling God leading me and have been afraid that I’ll stray from the life He has intended for me and fail to be the woman He intended me to be.

All of these fears… All of these unknowns… All of these worries… All of these realizations… Began to consume my daily life. My mind would travel from one area of “failure” to the next and back again. And then, one day, out of nowhere, I began to feel something inside me telling me to stop. To stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop dwelling on what I don’t have and look around and realize what I do have. To stop being so ungrateful. In the past two weeks, I’ve begun to realize that I’ve been allowing myself to believe lies. I’ve allowed the Devil to take a foothold and tap into my insecurity, doubt, and fear. I’ve allowed myself to dwell so much on my worries and troubles that I’ve stopped trusting that God is holding my life in the palm of His hand and has given me today and this season of life for a specific reason. I’ve been allowing myself to believe that if I only had that one thing, then I’d be happy with everything. If I only was a public speaker I’d be able to travel the world and help more people. If only that one thing hadn’t happened, I’d be more trusting of others. If I only lost those ten pounds, I’d be a much happier person. If I’d only fought harder and been honest, we’d still be together. Blah. Blah. Blah.

If… Only…

The truth is, instead of realizing that God has given me certain things today to prepare me for my future, I’ve been asking Him why He took away what I felt I had and have been longing for things that I am probably not truly ready for. Yes, I feel that God has placed the desire to be a public speaker on my heart. I feel the trials that I have faced and overcome throughout my life have made me want to serve others and help them through similar struggles. But, today, I know I’m not there yet. I know with all my heart that someday I want to be a wife and mother. But I’m not ready to get married and start having kids today. I’m still too afraid to fully let someone know all parts of me. I still have a hard time trusting. I still have a lot of things to work on with myself, with my future husband, and with our relationship with God before I’ll be ready. If I’m being honest I’m a bit disappointed in myself for how I’ve allowed myself to feel these past few weeks. I’ve been so consumed with what I have yet to accomplish instead of finding peace in the process that it takes to achieve those things. I’ve been expecting to win the race when I haven’t even trained for it yet.

It seems so simple to me now. To seek contentment. To be thankful. To trust God and trust myself. To pray about the things on my heart. To act and do what I can to make these things become a part of my future. To allow myself to go through the motions of feeling how I do on a given day. To not dwell on the past. To not long for the future so much that I neglect today. But it took me nearly six weeks to realize, that just as much as being happy or sad, being content is a choice. That doesn’t mean that everyday I wake up feeling cheerful and turn on my contentment switch and never feel anything but pure joy. It just means that I have a choice to make: feel sorry for myself and dwell on what I feel I lack or work and fight like hell for what I want in life.

When I really think about it, the choice seems pretty simple. Get out of bed. Put on your favorite shoes. Trust God. Walk out into the world. Stand tall. Face another day. Work for what you want. Fight hard. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up hope. Choose contentment.

Baby Steps

*”It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.”* K.T. Jong

I wish I could find the right words to explain this week. Busy. Fulfilling. Stressful. Fun. Meaningful. Sacred. Calming. Lonely. Uncertain. All of these words come to mind but just don’t seem to truly illustrate what the first full week of this new life really felt like.

This week I started my first full week back at the Youth Encounter office after a month of training and loved every minute of it! I went into this week feeling a little panicked. I wasn’t sure how I’d explain my emotions if and when people asked me how it felt to be home or how I was doing.  I didn’t know how I’d explain where I was at or if I’d even have enough energy or desire or trust to do so. Monday, I was a panicked wreck. I felt lost. I felt alone. I had so many things that seemed unsure and my fears and emotions had gotten the best of me. I wasn’t completely confident that I could mask all of those feelings with a smile, positive attitude, and good work ethic. But, as the week progressed, I began to feel so great in my work life. It felt great to organize my workspace and task list. I was able to schedule meetings and tackle projects that I thought would take me a few weeks to actually figure out. My fears of being inadequate, incapable, and the uncertainty of my job quickly faded. I realized how much I love the position that God has called me to and how much I love the people that I get to work and interact with everyday. Their smiles, encouragement, and dedication to their own calling makes me look forward to going to work everyday and getting to serve and interact with each of them. I feel as though God is ironing out this part of my life and showing me that despite my previous doubt, that this is exactly where He has called me for this year. I trust that He will reveal the future to me as I actively seek out His will and pursue my passions in life.  And for the first time since I’ve been home, I find a lot of peace in this.

I also had the opportunity to spend some time with great friends this week. I don’t think I spent more than one night alone or at home, which was really helpful for me. I was blessed to share time and conversation with people who are in very similar seasons of life as me. They seem to share in my confusion and frustration of feeling as though the path they had in place somehow has changed. They are unsure of the future. They are confused. They don’t have it all together either. Yet, they are still hopeful. Which gives me more hope on the days where I feel like I am falling apart. It’s an interesting thing when you listen to someone else share his or her hurt and heart with you and you can relate and feel your own heart ache for them. I really enjoyed my time with friends this week and getting to build relationships with people that I was excited to begin friendships with.

In coming home, for some odd reason, I felt really unsure of what my relationships would look like. Who would I spend my time with? Old friends? New ones? After all, I had been gone for thirteen months. I know in that time that I have changed. I am not the same person I was thirteen months ago. In fact, I may have undergone the most significant change in my entire life. I believe this change to be for the better. I feel like I am coming into who I have always wanted to be. I am more confident in my abilities, my faith, and in who I am. My relationship with God is stronger that it has ever been. And even though, for the past month, some of these things have slipped in some ways- I still know them to be true. That is not to say who I was before was bad. I was just much more insecure and had a lot of past hurt that I allowed to seep into my everyday life and weigh me down. So, coming home, I worried what this change would mean. What would that mean for the people who knew and loved who I was before? Would they look at me as a foreigner now and not know how to interact with me? Would these relationships fade? Would they grow? Would I still fit? I know I am still trying to find the answers to these questions. I know that some of my former relationships have to end because they were weighing me down and were toxic to my growth as a person. I know I need to work at saving others because they have suffered and faded due to my absence. I also know there are a few that have grown and will continue to grow because of this change. And there are a lot of new friendships that I get to begin. Overall, I know that the relationships in my life are going to take a lot of care and work. I will have to invest in them in ways that I was incapable of while traveling on the road. I will have to adjust to seeing certain people more often then I have this past year while not being able to see others nearly as much as they live in different places. I also know that I have to let go of my fears of these relationships not working out because that will only lead me to pull away. And I know I don’t want to do that.

In this past month, I’ve really realized that in my relationships is where I struggle the most. I have a huge fear of being vulnerable and letting people in to my heart. For a girl, I think I am rather prideful. I don’t want to look foolish or weak in my relationships. I want to be in control and have it all together. And because of this I often keep most people at a distance. I know, for me, this stems from a lot of things that happened when I was a child. Things that I didn’t have control over then. So, now I try to have control whenever I can. I’m not sure whether it is my way of protecting myself or my way to lead my relationships in the direction that I want them to go. But, I do know that this isn’t always the best way to go about any relationship. And this is one thing that I desperately want to change about myself. I want to be more trusting of others. I want to let people into my heart. But, for me, once you’re in my heart, that is where I want you to stay. And life (or relationships) doesn’t always work out the way you want them to, despite your best intentions or efforts. I’ve loved and cared about a lot of people who have later walked out of my life. And that really hurt me. It may not hurt anymore because I can see why they had to leave or what God was preparing me for in losing that relationship, but it still makes me really afraid to let more people in.

It’s weird because I like being someone that people can depend on. I like being loyal, and honest, and caring in my relationships. I like being everyone’s cheerleader and support system. I like being seen as dependable and the type of person that someone can always turn to. But, I don’t allow anyone to be that for me. I let my fear of rejection keep me from sharing my heart with others. I hold on to how I truly feel or chose to remain silent in situations concerning myself because what if how I feel would make someone want to walk away? I depend only on myself and don’t allow anyone else to share the hard parts of life with me until I feel like I can’t handle it on my own anymore. And even then, sometimes I just give up or work through it alone. I think this is where I need the most work. I know it isn’t going to happen overnight. I know I’ve already grown in this area this year and shared pieces my heart with a few people. But never all of it. I long for the day when I am ready to share my whole heart with someone: whether that is a friend, a family member, or my future husband. But, I’m a work in progress and need to remind myself daily that as people earn my trust that it is okay to let them in.

I know who I am.  I know what I want in life.  I know how to go about getting these things. I know what I am capable of and what I deserve in life, my career, and my relationships. I know who my Father is and that He ultimately has His hand in my life and will lead me.

I guess this week has taught me a few things. I now know a little bit more about where I fit than I felt I did last week. I feel secure in my job. And I am confident that God will show me where He needs me to serve Him in the future: whether that be at Youth Encounter, in going back to teaching, in public speaking, in ministry, or in something He has yet to reveal to me. I also realize, that I need to give myself a little grace in this. I have been home and in a routine role for one week. I don’t have to have it all figured out today. It is going to take time. I have time and stability on my side as I discern my future. And I have God leading me. I also realize that I need to build relationships with the people that God has placed in my life. I need to fight for the relationships that are important to me and put effort into them, because relationships are work. And I believe, that the people in my life are worth the work. I also need to work on trusting other people and I need to learn to be vulnerable in my relationships or they are never going to grow. I don’t want to be a person who doesn’t allow themselves to trust others and who lets fear take over my relationships. I’ve got to take theses baby steps in order to run towards becoming the woman God has intended me to be and the woman I’ve always wanted to be.

In Transition

*”Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”* The Wonder Years

I know I’m not the only person to feel this way. In fact, I know a lot of people who feel the same way I do right now. But most of the time, that doesn’t make it any easier. It just makes me sad to know, that so many hearts are heavy in the same way that mine is…

A few months ago, I thought I had it all together. I felt closer to God than I ever had before. I was seeking Him daily. I was in constant prayer and thankfulness. My life was always propelling towards God and His love. And I couldn’t wait to share that love with others and be an encouragement to them. As my year of ministry came to a close, I asked God to show me and guide my life in the direction He intended for me and promised to obey. I trusted Him with my whole heart and followed His lead with abandon. And it felt amazing. I had lost myself in God and His will for my life.  I wasn’t afraid of the future or worried about how I would get to the next chapter or my life because I knew God would provide and reveal where He needed me to be (which is a huge feat for someone who plans their every move like I do). And things seemed to be going pretty well. I felt His hand leading me to working for Youth Encounter for this upcoming year and was amazed at how quickly it all fell into place as I prayed about it and began to discern what this year would look like for me. I felt God was leading me back to Minnesota and telling me that taking some time at home would be good for me. I could continue ministry at my home church and finally pursue my dream of becoming a public speaker. I’d get to reconnect with the friends and family I had missed so much and be in one place for more than a few days at a time. In my mind, I assumed coming home would be the most natural and welcoming feeling. And for the first time in my life, I felt God was leading me to the beginnings of a relationship that was fully pleasing to Him. We supported each other in team life. We sought God’s word together and grew in our faith. We began to trust and confide in one another.  He quickly became my best friend. And the more I prayed to God, the more I felt reassured that this was a relationship that I was meant to invest in.

But for some reason, today I am having a hard time feeling many of these things. Each one is still very much in front of me, but they feel so different and much more distant than they did only one month ago.

I am having a hard time feeling God.  And when I look back I know I have for a few weeks now.  It seems like no matter how hard I beg or plead or cry or ask Him to reveal Himself, I just haven’t felt His hand leading me in these past few weeks. I feel like I’ve been listening. I know I’ve been praying. I’ve done my share of crying. I’ve been searching His word for answers. I’ve been searching my heart as well. I’ve been actively trying. But I feel nothing.

I feel a bit selfish just writing those last words because I know the truth. I know God is listening to every single syllable of what I am saying and what I have been saying. I know He has watched me spend days trying to put together my thoughts in my head and on paper concerning the ares where I feel unsettled. He has counted my tears. He’s been holding my hand when I feel like there is no one who will extend theirs to me. He’s been shouldering my fears and lessening my pain. He knows exactly how many times I’ve asked Him to be here. And He’s probably already made Himself known to me. And it’s my fault that I’ve failed to see. I know all of this. I just don’t feel it, yet.

And in this I realize how afraid, and untrusting, and prideful I have become in the few weeks that I felt God slipping away from me, even though I know that I’m the one who has strayed. I also realize how for the past six months or so, I was exactly who God wanted me to be. I truly was following Him. I was trusting His lead and following His footsteps. I did what was right because that is what God called me to do. I had the tough conversations because they were worth it and I loved the people with whom the conversations were needed. I stood up for what I believed in. I listened and responded with love. I was so steadfast in who God was and what His Son meant to me that doing the right thing and following Him became as easy as breathing. I felt God’s love and grace and forgiveness in my heart as I dealt with one my hardest weeks when two very important people in my life disappointed and betrayed me. In that week, I felt strong in Him. I felt worthy in Him. And I stood tall, even in my weakness and held on to my dignity in ways I never had before and in ways I didn’t think I could. I wanted to crumble. I even thought I might. But it seemed that every time I wanted to give up, He was there telling me to continue on in His love. I know that nothing I did in that week kept me strong but it was all God working through me and in my situation for the good.

But somewhere, in the past few weeks, I began to doubt and let fear take over my heart instead of continuing to trust God. Maybe I was doubting myself. Perhaps my feelings. Or even doubting my abilities. And because of that, I began to stray away from where God was leading me. I took my eyes off of Him one day and then continued to look within myself for my own provision and guidance. I began to believe that I could take care of myself, the uncertainty I was having,  and the problems I was facing. I thought I could handle the growing fears I was having and just sweep them under the rug until they were no longer a problem. I started choosing silence instead of being honest with the people that I really cared about. I let relationships suffer. I masked frustration, longing, and hurt with jokes and apathy. I gave up when things began to feel too difficult or I felt too tired or when I felt like I had no fight left in me to make something work. And every morning I put on a smile and pretended to be Ms. Have-It-All-Together. In reality, I was afraid. Of the future. Of change. Of losing things that are so important to me. Of things not being the same and how I would cope with that.

Today, I’m in transition. I hate that word, but it’s true… I am in the midst of life change. Nothing will be the same as it was this time last year or even last month. Nor do I truly want it to be.  I am moving from a once scary past into a future of certainty masked by uncertainty.  The truth is that today, I feel more lost than I have in a long time. I’ve allowed fear and lies to take over the truths that I’ve known for months. And I started to believe them. But deep down, I always knew they weren’t true. And I’m frustrated with myself for falling short of who God has been molding me to be. I know God is working for the good in my life and that He is here. I’m ready to feel Him. I’m desperate for Him. I want to follow Him like I did just a few short weeks ago. And I hope that I feel Him soon…

Tangled Up In Love

*”While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”* Angela Schwindt

It is no secret, to people that know me well (and maybe even many who don’t), that there is one thing that I have talk about, dreamt about, and longed for more than anything in this world for much of my life. And that thing is love. As a young child, love often caused me to seek out friends who were in need. I’d see someone at school who seemed sad or a kid on the bus that never talked or the girl who lived in the house behind me playing alone everyday and I’d feel a sense of sadness and need to do something, anything, to let them know that they were not alone. My mom often referred to me as a “friend fixer”. I’d attempt to fix my new friends by inviting them over to my house and giving them a taste of what a loving family was really like. I didn’t fully understand the pain or bruises that they had. I didn’t always know what they were going through or if they were even going through anything at all. I just knew that I needed to be their friend, as if something in my heart told me. Growing up, my parent’s house was the place where all the kids came to play and hang out. My house always was a safe place for anyone to come to. When I look back on my childhood home, I see a magical place. At my house, we were happy. We were kids. We were encouraged to use our imaginations and to dream. We were taught to be fair and to include everyone. We were silly and childish and fun. And we were loved.  As a child, I was never afraid to love someone else. It was almost as if I didn’t share love, that I would explode. I couldn’t stop hugging my sisters or buying candy for my friends or taking care of my neighbors (who probably didn’t even need me to take care of them). I was never afraid that the people I shared my love with wouldn’t love me back. It wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I gave this love freely, expecting nothing in return. I simply wanted to share the love that I felt in my heart with the people that I loved. It was so simple to love others when I was a child.

This year, I’ve gotten glimpses of that childhood love through the children that I have been blessed to meet, especially through Vacation Bible School season. From being called “panda woman” by a loving fourth grade boy who couldn’t wait to sing and dance with me each morning to having my legs go numb everyday for one whole week from three girls fighting over who got to sit in my lap each morning during story time: kids are so quick to outwardly show love, without shame or fear. Even to a stranger, who they will only see for one week. I remember one particular time in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. My team was eating dinner with members of the congregation before our program that evening. One little boy, Peter, sat across from me with his mom and a few of his siblings. We chatted about our favorite color, what we like to do when we aren’t at school, and other fun things. We asked each other questions and laughed a lot. By the end of our twenty-minute conversation, Peter, had offered to take me on a date. He told his mom that he had fallen in love with me and thought I deserved to come over to his house, hold hands, and watch the movie “Tangled” on the couch (he’d even ask his mom to make us some popcorn, but make sure she stayed in the kitchen while we watch our movie). My heart melted. What had I done to deserve such love and admiration from a little boy who I had not known even an hour before?

After our program that night, Peter wanted to stick around a chat some more. As my teammates talked with the adults in the hallway, Peter and I sat together inside the sanctuary. We ran around for a little while, he asked me questions about all of our sound equipment, we danced, and we talked. With tears in his eyes, Peter began to tell me about how his family moved around a lot and that he didn’t feel like he had any friends. He shared how he didn’t know how to make new friends anymore and that he was scared he would have to move again. And my heart broke for him. This little boy, this precious child of God, felt he had no companion, no one to love him apart from his own family (and we all know, sometimes, that doesn’t seem like enough). We talked for another ten minutes or so about the kids in his class, who he wants to be friends with, what he does in school, and throughout our conversation, Peter realized that he does, in fact, have many friends. I shared with Peter all the special and wonderful things I already liked about him from just spending the past few hours with him. I called him my “little prince” and he liked the title. We talked about how special he was and how he can share his specialness with his friends. By the time Peter’s mom was ready to leave, I think she may have came to pull him away at least three times before he would actually let her, Peter was smiling and laughing again. It makes me smile just thinking about his beautiful smile and golden hair. As we said good-bye, Peter jumped into my arms, wrapped his legs around my waist, gave me a big (and unexpected kiss), and said, “I love you, Ashley. And, I’m glad you picked me to be your little prince”. We both may have cried a little and it may have taken another ten minutes for me to walk him to the car and say our final good-bye, but Peter touched my heart that day, in a very tangible way. I don’t pretend to think that I did anything of magnitude with Peter. I talked with him, like I have hundreds of kids this year. I listened to him. I did my best to make him feel better and make him realize just how wonderful he is, just the way God created him. I wanted him to know, to remember, and to never forget all that he has to offer this world. Peter probably won’t even remember my name by the time the next team comes to his church. But, I’ll remember his. For in those few hours that I spent with him, he taught me so much. He trusted me with his heart and his fears. He was honest and genuine. He held nothing back. And he showed me unconditional, unashamed, unselfish love.

Why is it, that as we age, we forget? We forget what this unconditional, unashamed, unselfish love is. We stop saying “I love you” or, sometimes, we don’t even start; All because we are too afraid of the reaction to our love. We fear rejection. We fear what changes expressing those three words would mean in our lives and relationships. We are unsure of what will happen as a result of them. We worry our feelings will change or won’t be reciprocated. We allow doubt to take over. We make up scenarios in our head of all the ways saying “I love you” could hurt us. And in doing so, we allow Satan to take hold of something that God created for His beloved people. We allow love to become a pawn in the battle of good and evil. And we lose sight of what love really means.

I recently read Francis Chan’s book, Crazy Love, and examined how often I fail to love like Peter. God measures or lives by how we love: how we love Him, how we love His Son, and how we love each other. Not much else matters to God because when we truly love others and wholeheartedly follow His word and the call He places on our hearts to that love, we don’t have time or room for all our own junk. All of our insecurities and fears that we have that normally cloud our minds begin to fade always because love takes over. All that is left in our hearts and minds is love and a need to share it with those we love and the world. I like to think, that overall, I am a pretty loving person. I like to send cards and give gifts and do little things to show the people that I care about how much I love and appreciate them. But in his book, Chan, challenged me to live out my faith through my love for other people in more extreme ways. And this does not include holding onto that love because I am afraid. Simply put: God is love; and when we love others wholeheartedly, we are, in return, also loving God. We become one with Him. He takes over. We become less. We let go. We do crazy things because our love is too strong to be held back by the conventions of this world. We burst at the seams, run to others, wrap our arms around them, and say those three words: I. Love. You. And we’d do it again, for the rest of eternity because that is what God calls us to do. As Chan says, “True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity. Nothing in life will ever matter unless it is about loving God and loving the people He created”. I couldn’t agree more. I truly believe that when we pursue God with all that we are, that love becomes a part of our daily lives. It becomes more natural for us to love others and to be bold enough to express that love outwardly without any hesitation. But I also know that it is a process, and for me, something that I have to work towards everyday, because I am not there yet.

I wish to be like Peter. I wish to love without fear. There are people that I want so desperately to say those three words to but am still too afraid of how they will react.  I wish to return to expressing love like a child and giving love without ever worrying or thinking of what I may or may not receive in return. I wish my love flowed to others with every ounce of who I am. I wish people would feel God’s love when they are around me and in return, want to give love freely to others. After all, there is nothing better than the idea of being curled up on a couch, holding hands, and watching “Tangled” (even if mom is making popcorn in the kitchen).

Just One Question

*”If God had a name what would it be? And would you call it to His face? If you were faced with Him in all His glory what would you ask if you had just one question?”* Joan Osborne

It is no secret that I love music. I also love the show GLEE. I may not always agree with the actions or messages of each episode, but I do appreciate how even though the show is stereotypical, it is true to life and real. The students in the show struggle with real life issues and the show depicts real life situations and consequences. But mostly, I love the relationships, I love how music is used to showcase human emotion, and I love everything about the overdramatic, cheesy pop singing, New Directions of William McKinley High School!

A few months ago one particular episode of GLEE, titled “Grilled Cheesus”, got me thinking a lot about my own faith and feelings towards God. Over the course of the episode my beloved glee kids discussed different aspects of religion and what God means to each of them. For example, Finn thought he had seen the face of Jesus is his grilled cheese sandwich. He refuses to eat it and prays to it daily for help and guidance. Meanwhile, Kurt experiences a lack of faith when his dad suffers from a heart attack. He doesn’t know where to put his faith as he watches his dad recover in the hospital. Cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester concludes that God does not exist after, as a child, her prayers went unanswered after she had asked God to cure her sister’s down syndrome. Throughout the episode various characters discussed their faith, lack of faith, or rejection of faith. And, of course, they sang songs about their feelings on religion, too. Songs from R.E.M’s “Losing My Religion” to Aretha Franklin’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” Overall, I enjoyed the episode; though, I thought it poked fun at religion at times. I felt the show did a good job of depicting real life struggles of teens and their fight to find their own faith in a world that often disregards God altogether.

But… what I really want to talk about is one particular song. At the end of each episode, a musical number closes out the overall story arch of the episode. For this episode, the cast did a rendition of Joan Osborne’s “One Of Us.” In all honesty, I have heard this song about a thousand times. I remember when it first came out on the radio how my mom would make fun of it and turn the channel on the radio. But, as I watched and listened to the words this particular day, the song took on a new meaning for me.  The song opens with the lines, “If God had a name what would it be? And would you call it to his face? If you were faced with Him in all His glory what would you ask if you had just one question?”

I pondered these questions for weeks. I found myself coming back to each question and being unable to come up with what I would say or do: What would I do if I saw God today? What would I call Him among all the names that He is known by? How would I interact with Him? What would I say? Would I be able to speak? Would I be able to move? And what would be the one question I would ask Him?

A few other lines of the song got me thinking further. Lines like “If God had a face what would it look like?” and “What if God was one of us? Just a stranger on the bus tryin’ to make his way home?” The imagery was unreal. I imagined what it must have been like to live during the time that Jesus walked this Earth. People walked alongside Him everyday. They saw His beautiful face and the miracles He performed. They saw the example He was for others and His love for God radiated in all He did. They watched Him pray, heard His teachings, and many did not believe that He was the true Son of God. People rejected Him, spoke out against Him, and eventually persecuted Him. It blows my mind to think of it all. I am somewhat jealous I wasn’t around during Jesus’ time. I wish I could have seen Him face to face. I wish I could have loved Him in physical form and feel His arms around me. I wish I could have been His friend and followed His teachings. But, I also am scared to think about what type of person I would have been back then. What if I was one of the people who didn’t believe Him?  What if I ignored His teachings? What if I was one of the people who yelled, “crucify Him?” And at these thoughts, a huge part of me is very glad to know that today, I love Him.

But, even still… I still wonder: What would I really do if I saw God on a bus one day? Would I recognize Him? Would I turn away never knowing I had actually seen Him? Would I run to Him and have His loving arms wrap me up? And again, what would be my one question that I’d ask Him?

I’d like to imagine my seeing God on my bus ride home like this… 

So, there I am sitting on the bus after a long day of teaching high school English and then speaking in front of a group of youth. I sit near the entrance of the bus because I don’t want to have to hit people with my large bag of ungraded papers as I make my way up the aisle of the bus. I sit quietly in my seat and read the latest Nicholas Sparks book. The bus comes to a stop. Some people enter the bus as others leave. And, for a slight second, I look up. And then I see God. He looks just like Jesus with a little more grey in his beard. His hair is shaggy and He just has an illuminated glow about Him. He is wearing ripped jeans and a jacket. Right away I recognize Him. And before my brain even catches up with me to know what is actually happening I am out of my seat. As I run down the aisle I can hear myself yelling, “Father. It’s you! You’re here.” He smiles and opens His arms. Time seems to slow a bit and I know just what to do: my head fits perfectly on His chest and His arms envelope me into a huge hug. And for a few minutes, we just hug each other. He rocks me back and forth and I feel so much love and peace. And then, I look up at Him and begin to cry because I realize that I am hugging God. Everything before was just instinctual; I knew what to do. And now, for a long time I just look up at Him, tears running down my face. We are holding hands and He is just looking down at me with a content smile patiently waiting for my question. Only, I don’t know what to say because I know in this moment I only have one question and I want to make sure I ask the right one. And quietly, I ask, “What can I do, father, to better serve you?”

This is always where my vision ends: with my question for God. I think it is the burning question in my heart today. I want to serve God with all that I am. And, daily, I want to wait for His answer to my question on how I can do that…

If I’m Being Honest…

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest I’m afraid of the future and what my life will bring

If I’m being honest I’m nowhere near where I expected to be at 25

If I’m being honest I often let past hurt and fear dictate how I feel about myself and the world around me and keep people at a slight distance from myself, never fully letting them in

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest my heart has opened up this year and I’m letting more people in

If I’m being honest I’ve learned to be more giving, understanding, and loving in my relationships

If I’m being honest I’m starting to let go of hurt and let grace enter in

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest I’m anxious to be a wife and mother

If I’m being honest I pray for and think about the man that will one day be my husband

If I’m being honest I want a fairy tale ending and the stuff that little girls dream of

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest I try to please others

If I’m being honest I feel happy when I can help someone else or make them smile

If I’m being honest I measure my own success and happiness by the happiness of others

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest there is one person I want so badly to forgive but so far I just can’t

If I’m being honest I want to feel worthy of great things

If I’m being honest I’m not always proud of the person I’ve been

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest I’m in love with a man who died on a cross

If I’m being honest I haven’t always been as faithful to Him as I am today

If I’m being honest I wish I was a better person and felt more deserving of His love

If I’m being honest

But, If I’m truly being honest…

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest I know Jesus paid the price for my sin, insecurities, and shortcomings

If I’m being honest everything I feel I lack is whole in Him

If I’m being honest His love for me allows me to love others

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest I am worthy

If I’m being honest God will give me all that I need and more than I deserve

If I’m being honest I know God’s hands are holding me

Today

Tomorrow

Always

Compassion Through The Cummins

*”Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven”* Henry Ward Beecher

Yesterday started out kind of rough for me. For some reason, I can’t really even explain, I just felt alone. I felt sad. I felt exhausted. And I wanted to cry. Nothing in particular had happened, I simply felt this sense of melancholy as I went about my morning. I woke up early after not having slept well and realized that once again I’d be leaving home after seeing family and friends for only two days. This has been my life for the past seven months and has become a part of my routine. I arrive at one place, stay for a few days, and then leave again. The dreaded and painful “good-byes” have gotten easier and have become “see you soons” instead. But for some reason yesterday morning it just seemed extra difficult. I love my family. And I think seeing them after being away for over three months made me realize just how much I truly had missed them while I’ve been away. I miss my mom’s caring nature and cuddles. I missed my dad’s jokes and practicality. I missed my sister’s smile and the smell of her hair. I missed my house and the warm feeling I get when I walk through the door and see the familiarity of home. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to have to miss out on hugging my mom and sharing my day with her. I didn’t want to not be there when my sister got home from her day at college. I didn’t want to miss any more birthdays or family holidays or the everyday life at the Topp Castle. I didn’t want to be missing anymore. I didn’t want to be missed anymore. And I didn’t want to have to miss them anymore.

The day seemed to continue in a similar fashion. I felt sad and alone as I worked through team phone calls and check-ins at the Youth Encounter office. At a place where I normally am so happy and excited to see so many familiar faces, I found myself just wanting to hide in a room and cry. For much of the day, as we traveled I sat quietly in my bench seat in our team van and worked on various things. I listened to my headphones. I felt uneasy. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell my teammates how I felt. But I didn’t want to be vulnerable and I certainly didn’t want to actually cry.  So I remained quiet.

Yesterday, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to a new place, especially one in which we would be staying for only one night. It gets difficult only having a few hours to spend with one family and then packing up and leaving the very next day. I much prefer two or three night bookings in which I get the chance to get to know my host family and share more than one meal with them. We arrived at this adorable country house around 4pm. There were two additional housing units from the main house and our team split up by gender and got to stay in each of them. That seemed pretty exciting. They also had three adorable dogs- a Yellow Lab, an English Mastiff, and a Maltese. I fell in love right away with the white little puppy that looks just like the puppy that I will one day own. I held her and cuddled her for the first hour we were there and loved every minute of it. There is something special to me about cuddly puppies who want to be held and loved.

When I got inside the house after bringing my personal belongings to our cabin the kids were all downstairs playing Legos with Andrew. I stayed upstairs and talked with my host mom, Eve, and looked at the pictures of her beautiful family that lovingly covered the walls. She told me the stories of her kids and how she had two children of her own who were in high school and college. She had also adopted two other children and was a foster parent for two more. Right away, I admired Eve and asked her lots of questions about the adoption process and the challenges of adoption. I was mesmerized as I heard her talk and couldn’t help but ask more questions and listen intently as she shared her family’s story with me.

It is no secret that the two things I long for more than anything are to be a wife and mother. I can’t wait to fall in love, walk down the aisle towards the man I will spend eternity with, and hold my first child in my arms. I also have always wanted to adopt a child. I feel God has given me a huge gift in having compassion and a desire to better the lives of children. My heart aches when I hear about kids across the world without a family or someone to love them. It makes me feel fortunate to have grown up in such a loving home and it makes me sad to think that many kids not only lack this type of love but also lack basic necessities like clothes, water, food, and a roof over their head. I want to help stop these sad things from happening- even if I can only change the life of a few kids. So, meeting Eve and hearing about how she brought love, happiness, and a stable life to not one but four kids, I was amazed. These kids were loving. They were smart and polite. They were respectful and had great senses of humor. They were affection towards each other, my teammates, and their parents. And I simply fell in love with each one of them. We ate dinner together and quizzed each other on various school things. We giggled and played together. We talked and we watched a movie. Tony was the oldest at eight years old. He was a great older brother and liked to talk and have his back scratched during the movie. Marco was this beautiful ethnic boy who was very affectionate. He traveled back and forth between Heidi, Jenn, and me for hugs and lots of cuddling. During one part of the movie, he held my hand and melted my heart. Then there was Kia. She was spunky and refused to sit still. She danced during each song on the movie and could barely contain her excitement for us being there.  And then there was Lonnie: a vibrant five year old little blonde with big blue eyes who just loved to cuddle with me and have me play with her hair. She was so sweet and her smile brightened my entire day. We ended the night tucking in the kids, praying with them, and putting their nighttime music on.

As I closed their bedroom door, I realized that in the four hours that I spent with these beautiful children, I felt peace, happiness, and so much love. I felt full of God and His love for me, these children, and the world. As two of the kids came and cuddled with me during the movie, my heart just burst. Hours earlier I was so selfish and sad. I wanted to do nothing more than stay at home and continue to love my family. I didn’t want to travel that day and do my job. I wanted to be lazy and comforted and safe within the walls of my home. But God gave me the opportunity to spend a night with an amazing family that showed me so much about love. He reaffirmed that I truly do want to be a mother and have children of my own. I also want to take care of as many kids as I possibly can. I want God to use me to make this world a better place by changing the life of a child and showing them love. I want to be able to cuddle on the couch and teach them about the world. I want to help them become wonderful and caring people. I want to instill in them compassion and a strong faith in God. I want to be a teacher, a role model, a companion, and someone they can depend on.My day may have started out rough and I may have felt sad. I may have longed for the love of my family and wanted to love them. But my day ended by receiving the love of four kids who I had not known four hours earlier and seeing a call to love kids just like them in the future. My day ended with me seeing a need in our world in which I can make a difference. A need that I feel called to fulfill. A need that can change the life of a child. A need that can also, change me.

*”Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility”* Kate Douglas Wiggins

The “I” In Team

*“Individual commitment to a group effort: that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.”* Vince Lombardi

From the moment I left my comfy-cozy life with a warm queen sized bed (complete with thread counts that now, I only dream of) and my very own bathroom with plenty of closet, counter, and drawer space and packed nothing but a suitcase full of the necessities for one year and jumped into a van with four complete strangers, I knew I was embarking on an amazing journey that could likely change my life. But I certainly did not foresee the specific ways in which I would change. Back in August, being the oldest person on my team by about four years, I could almost speculate as to what changes each of my teammates would undergo during our year together. Things such as: growing in maturity, learning to put others before yourself, leaving the comforts of home, and dealing with the struggles of living 24 hours a day/7 days a week with complete strangers. At the start of our journey, I thought my teammates had a lot to learn. An 18 year old, two 20 year olds, and one 21 year old had a lot more to learn about life than me, right? After all, I am 25 years old, a teacher of two years, already established in my career, and have had a lot more life experiences than any of them possibly could. Oh, how wrong I was. Little did I know at that time early on in our journey together, that I too, had a lot of growing to do.

I’ll be perfectly honest in saying that one thing that has been a constant struggle for me for much of my life is being a member of a team. That word: team. Yikes. Team can be a rather scary word, at least for me. That word implies trust in someone other than yourself and being willing to compromise. It involves doing what is best for the whole instead of what you want or what is best for you. It includes a lot of listening and patience. It demands that you are flexible, understanding, and willing to give up control. For me, that last one can be rather difficult. I am a natural leader, just like my father, and I sometimes find it difficult to let someone else lead me. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my sisters, our friends, and I would play school. I could never let someone else be the teacher because they wouldn’t know how to make the schedule, copy the math worksheets, or plan the right amount of time for each class while still fitting in lunch and recess. Oh yes, I was serious about my organization and leadership abilities even then.

I am sad to admit that I often have a very hard time trusting in others to follow through. So, I stay up late, put in the extra hours I feel are necessary, and overcompensate for what I expect (that is another tricky word, being saved for another post) will be someone else’s shortcomings. More times that not, as a student I’d opt to work alone so that any grade I did receive was the grade that I earned through my own dedication and hard work. As a teacher, I’d often stay after school into the early (or late) evening to make sure that my students were getting the best teacher that they possibly could. I’d meet with students after school to help with homework, to simply chat or listen to bigger life and family issues, or to plan new and creative lessons that I felt my students deserved. That was even after my colleagues offered up their lesson plans for the same unit. Once again, I depended only on my own talents and preparation to pull me through. I am not saying that self sufficiency is a bad quality to have but sometimes only relying on yourself can cause you to burn out, fail, or never allow yourself to trust another person to do the job they have been called to do.

This year, I found that I have a lot of learning and growth to do in the area of teamwork. In August, not only was I just beginning to learn about the ministry of Youth Encounter and get to know my four teammates but, I was being thrown into a world where teamwork exists all day, every day. I had to learn to rely on four strangers. To trust them. To depend on them to do their designated jobs. To look out for them. To love them. And to work together with them as a team.

Early on in our year, I’d often find myself getting frustrated if something wasn’t completed when I wanted or what I expected or wanted to happen didn’t happen. Then I begin to think of what I would or could have done better or differently.

Let me start by saying, this is NOT the way to work on a team.

In the first few months on the road, I was in a constant internal (and at times, external) struggle with how our team functioned. Why didn’t we know what we were singing before we arrived somewhere? What was the schedule for the week? Was there actually a schedule and if there was why didn’t I know it? Why wasn’t anyone else working like I was during designated work times? How were we supposed to function when no one did their job right? Or cared? Or tried? Or worked as hard at their jobs as I did?

I know, I know, I sound like a total jerk. And I’m not proud of this. But it’s true. For a short while, I truly felt like I was the only one pulling our team together or putting effort into our team’s success. Instead of looking at what my teammates were doing; I focused on what they weren’t doing that I wanted them to. I focused on what I thought they should be doing instead of trusting that they were trained to do their jobs just as I was trained to do my jobs. In having these feelings what I communicated to my team was that they weren’t capable of doing their job. And that I could do it better than them. And that they should do their job how I would do it and not how they had decided/been trained. And this, my friends, is no way to be a team player.

I’ve always heard the phrase, “there is no I in team.” And often in my head, being oh so clever (or so I thought), I’d think to myself, “sure… but if you rearrange some letters there is a me.”

The truth is life is all about this very thing: coexisting with members of the teams that we become an integral part of. Since being born into this world we’ve been a part of various teams from families, to sports, friendship circles, youth groups, and jobs. In life, we constantly rely on others without even thinking and function (or fail to function) as members of a team. Some teams are easier to be a part of than others. Some require little work, while others require constant dedication. My family was my first team and the one team that I find easy to maintain. As a child, I trusted in my parents to raise my sisters and me. Not once did I question their job on our team. I knew what my roles were, my sisters knew their roles, and my parents had their roles. We function together as a team and allowed each other to do their job. We encouraged, trusted, and held each other accountable. We affirmed one another, showed love and grace, and at times, tore each other down. Most of the time, we functioned very well as a team. But other times, we did not. During these difficult times, we often gathered in our family’s three-season porch and all knew a little chat with lots of tears would likely take place But after this discussion, our team would function even better than it had the day before and help us learn and grow from the trust and love we felt for each other. All in all, my family is a very high functioning team. We have trust, love, understanding, and God at the center of our team. We listen to one another with open hearts and show patience and grace when necessary. We are willing to compromise and put the needs of our family above our individual needs. And often, we do this without a second thought because we care so deeply about the success of our team.

My Captive Free team is becoming a close second. Once I stopped being selfish and unwilling to trust in my teammates, I found that I saw all the wonderful ways that our team does and has functioned in wonderful ways since the very beginning of our time together. Once I allowed my teammates to do their jobs without questioning their experience or abilities and see all the wonderful things they brought to our team, I was able to feel that trust grow. I may still struggle some days with giving up full control but I am still a work in progress. I have learned a lot about teamwork and my roles on different teams. I’m learning how essential it is to trust in others and allow them to do the jobs they have been called to do. I’m striving to see the strengths of those around me instead of focusing on all that I wish they would do. I’m trying to keep myself accountable and learn to compromise. I’m doing my best to be a team player. And I’m quickly learning that there really is no I in team (and there is no room for me).

When God Closes A Door… He Opens A Window

*”You can speak well if your tongue can deliver the message of your heart.”* John Ford

At the beginning of November, my teammates and I participated in our first Youth Encounter Event. Having never been to a Youth Encounter event before, I had no idea what to expect when I was told I’d be joining hundreds of middle and high school students in a hotel for an entire weekend. My mind began to race back to different events I had participated in as a middle and high school student and I wondered how these events would compare. What would we do at a hotel for an entire weekend? What would it be like? How would I feel being an adult and leading these events instead of simply participating? Would I feel spiritually filled like I did in my youth? When would I sleep? What would I do if something went wrong? What would I do if a kid asked me a question I didn’t know the answer? What if kids were rude and disrespectful? All these questions and fears ran through my mind in the weeks leading up to our first event. I had no idea what to expect. I imagined what the ballrooms would look like, how the weekend would go, and what my role would be. But, nothing could have prepared me for the AWESOMENESS that would take place and how God would work through me, my teammates, the guest speaker, the other musicians, and especially, the kids.

To give a little background, these events are called Quakes (middle school events), Zones (high school events), or QuakeZones (middle and high school events). They are annual events hosted across the nation. For these events, youth groups and churches come from the surrounding areas to spend 40+ hours worshipping God through music, guest speakers, break out sessions called Treks and Pathways, and many other fun activities (dances, variety shows, game time, group growth, etc.). My team was able to be a part of two of these events in November: one in Pleasanton, California and one in Everett, Washington. We also will have six more of these events over the course of our year as Captive Free Central Plains. I absolutely LOVE these events and now laugh at the fear and uncertainly I originally had!

Since joining back with my team in early January, after a two week break at home with friends and family over the holidays, God has brought my Captive Free journey full circle (during our Des Moines Quake) and reminded me of another passion of mine: I want to change the world (I know I’ve mentioned this in an earlier post of mine titled “The World Is Your Oyster“, but I want to reiterate a few points here). I know this seems like a grandiose idea and an utterly impossible notion but I think I can do it. I don’t mean that I am going to be the next Mother Teresa or Mahatma Gandhi, but who knows? All I do know is that I want to leave this world a better place simply by being in it. I don’t think this world, other people, or God owe me (or anyone else for that matter) anything. It is quite the opposite actually. I know some people feel a sense of entitlement or that the world owes them something if they have gone through some sort of hardship or their lives don’t work out the way they had initially planned. But I don’t feel that way.

I’ll be perfectly honest in saying that my life hasn’t always gone according to plan, but then again, whose has? If it were up to me I’d be married with children (no, NOT Al and Peg Bundy Style), a stay at home mom or famous, and would give back to the world as much as I can. I have none of these things- no husband, no child, no celebrity… but, I still have a desire to make this world a better place. I constantly ask myself how I can turn my suffering into something beautiful and possibly healing for someone else? How can God use an ordinary girl like me to fulfill His purpose? What do I have to offer to the world? And how can I make a difference? I know by being a teacher the past two years I was crafting minds and changing the hearts of my beloved students but I want to do more…

I think the way I want to change the world is through some sort of public speech. I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been having dreams about this very thing. I would love to travel the country or world speaking to children and adults, Christians and non-believers, at schools and at churches about this very thing: YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD. I want to speak to others about shifting from a victim mentality to that of a survivor. I want to talk about God’s love, mercy, and grace. I want to talk about overcoming adversity and hardships. I want to talk about leaning on God and trusting in His plan for your life. I want to show people that it is perfectly okay to grieve, feel sorry for yourself, to be hurt and be angry when something horrible happens in your life but that there is so much healing in leaning on God, getting help, and forgiving people who have wronged you. I don’t pretend to think my life or hardships are any more severe or drastic than any one else’s struggles. I just think I have a story to tell and my hope is that I can help others find healing by sharing my stories, my struggles, and the way I overcame them through Christ.

Public speaking and changing lives has always been something that I’ve wanted to do and I have had the most amazing realizations this past month… and it all began with Captive Free and one amazing teamer. Like I said in my last blog post, when I was a child Captive Free teams came to my church during our vacation bible school week each summer. They sang songs with us, lead worship, and spent time getting to know all of us kids. Each year my family hosted one of the girls at our house and I was able to have a big sister for the week. One year, I really connected with one of the girls (more than I ever had before). Her name was Dani and I remember thinking that Dani was the coolest person in all the world: not only did she sing, but she was nice to me, and wanted to get to know me. I wanted to be just like her and told my parents that someday I would join Captive Free. When Dani invited me and a friend of mine to sing a song with the Captive Free team that year, I felt so special. She is the reason that I wanted to join Captive Free and even though I didn’t realize it at the time, she would become the reason that I want to pursue public speaking as well.

In joining Captive Free this year, I realize that I get to be just like Dani. I get to hang out with kids, make them feel special, and share God’s love with them. And maybe, if I’m really lucky, I can change a child’s life like Dani changed mine. So… bringing a very LONG story (I’m SO sorry- I swear I have a point) back to my initial topic, Youth Encounter events … During our first event in Pleasanton, California we had a guest speaker named Danielle Tietjen. I fell in love with her stories and how God used her talents to share His word. At the event, Danielle and I spoke a lot about public speaking and how she became a speaker. She told me how she was on a Captive Free team and how the sharings she gave during her team’s programs made her want to become a speaker. She shared her story of breaking into the public speaking world and all the things she loves about her job. I was mesmerized, intrigued, and excited to share my dream of public speaking with her and to keep in contact with her as I pursued this dream. We became facebook friends and I got to see Danielle shine daily through her unfailing faith and love for Jesus. It wasn’t until about two weeks ago, while I was browsing through pictures on facebook and saw a picture of Danielle from when she was on team that I realized that Danielle Tietjen was Dani, the same girl who came to my church for vacation bible school and inspired my Captive Free journey. She had grown into an even more amazing woman, now a wife, mother, and public speaker, since when I saw her in my childhood.

I am still baffled at how God put this woman in my life twice and how He used her to help me follow His plan for me. As a teacher the past two years, I always knew someday I’d love to pursue public speaking. But this year, through Dani and other public speakers, doors have been opened for me to follow this dream. I now know steps to take, workshops to attend to help craft my speeches, and organizations that excited and are willing to help make this dream happen.  This entire Captive Free journey has taught me how God works in our lives. How He sometimes makes us wait even when we feel ready. How He opens doors when the time is right. How He reveals His plans for us and shows us His way. And How He loves us so much that He puts Dani’s in our lives to show us our own potential. I couldn’t be more excited to follow Him. Through God I can change the world one student, person, youth group, school, or arena at a time!