My Place In This World

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”Feel like I’m… Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world…” ‘Place In This World’ – Michael W. Smith

I’ve never given much thought as to what it is that I’m supposed to do in life. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to contribute to the world at large? What roles should I take on and what exactly do others expect from me? Of course, I’ve always had ambitions and worked hard at achieving them. From being a nervous sophomore with hopes of joining the high school musical in an attempt to get closer to the boy of my dreams and let my passion for acting, singing, and dancing shine- to becoming a confident, head strong college student working diligently towards completing my teaching degree- to one day (fingers crossed) becoming a wife and mother and starting my very own fairy tale. For each of these dreams, I have created lists with clear steps and strategies that were sure to help me make them a reality one day. All of these are great ambitions and have driven my life thus far and are things I have worked for with blood, sweat, and lots of tears. But until rather recently after having graduated from college, being offered my first teaching job right after student teaching, and then getting laid off due to staff budget cuts, that I had my first real worry about my place in the world and where I’m supposed to fit within this crazy little thing called life.

As I mended my broken heart of being let go from a place I already began to call home (or school) as a teacher and put back together the shattered pieces of dreams that were once within my grasp, I eagerly began searching for the next best thing. Having Hopkins fit like Cinderella’s glass slipper from the minute I stepped through the gorgeous aiport-like front entrance, I was worried that the bar for a school had been set.  My expectations of a school, co-workers, administration, and students had not only been met but surpassed at my time at Hopkins. Not only did the staff get along but they also helped, encouraged, and offered support for each other. I was truly blessed to be able to work with such dedicated, talented, and passionate professionals. I have heard horror stories from friends who worked at schools where teachers refused to share curriculum, sat and gossiped about staff and students on their lunch breaks, or went in their classrooms in the morning- shut their doors- and kept to themselves and “their” students for the remainder of the day. Hopkins was nothing like these schools. The students were (for the most part) respectful, fun, and dedicated to learning. And the Administration was so supportive and loving that I always felt I could ask for help or guidance as a young teacher. How the heck was I going to find all of this in another school? I didn’t think it was possible. And maybe, in all honesty, for me, there isn’t another school that will ever compare to Hopkins. But, alas, my search began a few days after I began to put my broken teacherly heart back together in mid June…

Over this past summer, I applied for teaching job after tedious teaching job. And let me tell you, applying for a teaching job is like no other. You can’t just drop off your pretty pink resume, cover letter, and recommendations and expect a call for an interview- oh no! You must apply online, include all of the above, as well as answer multiple essay questions, fill out questionnaires, complete a background check, and jump through many other textbook hoops. All the while, the two-hour process (per position, per school) doesn’t even ensure you an interview for the position! I can count on both hands the amount of schools I actually received phone calls for to come in for an interview. After applying for what seemed like hundreds of positions with little to no interest, I began to doubt myself. I wondered if I was cut out to be a teacher. And for me, this was the first time this had happened. In my heart, I always felt like teaching was what I was meant to do, like God or some other outside force was pushing so hard on my back and guiding me the entire way. There was never any doubt in my mind that teaching was the job for me. From the minute I told my ninth grade English teacher, Mrs. Tutt, that I wanted to grow up and be a teacher who inspires people just like she inspired me, that is what I set out to do. I became a teacher’s assistant for Mrs. Tutt as many times as she would allow. In Mrs. Tutt’s classes, I began to feel like an apprentice teacher. It made me think of olden day movies where the apprentice was able to follow around their mentor and learn the tricks of the trade. Mrs. Tutt let me grade papers, help with spelling bees, work one on one with students who needed extra help, and she listened and genuinely cared about my future. After high school, I worked very hard over the course of the next four years to be the best teacher I could be. And never once, did something stand in my way. I was too driven. I excelled in each clinical placement because I was dedicated and put in any extra work necessary to prove I was going to be a great teacher and of course, most importantly, to help my students succeed and learn. But when I was let go from my position at Hopkins and had yet to find a new job at the beginning of this school year, I truly worried about my capabilities. Sure, I was told time and time again throughout all of my college and student teaching experiences that I was ahead of the game. From the get go- I knew how to discipline, I was passionate about my content, I was creative and thoughtful in lesson planning, and I had studied my pedagogy and knew teaching practices. I was constantly praised and given tips on how to improve my craft. I was guided and commended. I was always told by professors, cooperating teachers, and my university supervisor that I am already a teacher and would a great asset to any school. But, if all of that was true, then why, oh why, could I not find a teaching job?

Losing my job gave me a sense of failure that I have never felt before. Even though I knew the circumstances of my not being offered a position back at Hopkins was completely out of my hands- I felt like I had failed. This failure wasn’t like the let down you feel when your parents tell you that you’ve disappointed them or the defeat of losing a game of Monopoly. This failure made me question and second-guess every decision I had ever made about my career. I began to doubt my abilities and talents. I wondered if I had what it takes to be a teacher and if I possessed the qualities a school was looking for in hiring a new teacher. I speculated if I was capable of teaching at another school with new students and adjusting to new administration and co-workers. I am a person who hates change and has a hard time adjusting to new surroundings. And quite frankly, I did not want to change or move on from Hopkins. So, I questioned everything and worried what my future would hold. It’s really hard to explain the wide array of emotions and feelings I went through over the three months I was unemployed. All I know, is it was something I never felt before and it began to affect all aspects of my life. I had nothing motivating me to succeed, nothing to look forward to. I was recently single with no real prospects to keep my interest. My sister was away in Europe for the summer and my best friend had begun a new relationship and I didn’t want to be a burden to either of them as the embarked on new journeys. And I was an unemployed twenty-three year old living with my parents. I felt like a big, fat L-O-S-E-R. Again, I wondered what did I have to offer the world? It felt like a whole lot of nothing with nothing in the future to make me turn into something! Some days, I’d stay in bed all day because facing the sunshine and trying was worse than staying in the dark and being the failure I believed myself to be.

Through this whole process I have learned a lot. I’ve learned about this country and how our economy (and the current economic hardships) affects ME- it never had before. I learned that sometimes life doesn’t go the way you planned and you won’t get everything you always wanted. I’ve understood this in the relationship realm but never when it came to my career or a job. Throughout my entire life I have always gotten a job I really wanted. I’ve always been at the top of my class. I’ve always lived up to everyone else’s expectations for the type of employee I should be. I’ve learned that some things are out of your control and you can’t do anything about it- you can only change how you allow it to affect you. I understand now that it’s okay to grieve and be upset by losing something that was once important to you but that is no reason to think that you have failed because in many cases you haven’t. You have to pick yourself back up and try again. You never know when another great opportunity will arise; it may be just around the corner. Or down the street.  Or in the next town.Or standing right in front of you screaming for you to realize it.

For me, I had to grasp this is a roundabout way. When the school year began in late August, I was still without a teaching job. I was offered a very small part time position but not only could I not afford to live on that salary, I would be tied down to one class a year without really having the flexibility of searching for a new job with brighter possibilities. So, I decided to start the year as a substitute teacher and work at my mom’s office part time. It wasn’t ideal but there were some perks- no homework, I can chose the days I work at each job, and I’d get to return to Hopkins and see familiar faces. I subbed and juggled my other job for about five weeks and then it happened… I was offered a job. Three in fact. Within my dream district. I was back home. The glass slipper still fit on my size ten foot! And even though, going into it this time around I know that come next June I’ll likely be in the same position I was last summer, at least now I have learned a lot and this next summer will likely not be as hard because of it. And, moreover, I will fight like hell to keep my feet firmly planted on the Hopkins soil in hopes of one day being tenured there. And fulfilling my first life goal: being a tenured English teacher.

Until this summer, I’ve never sat down or thought fully about why exactly I was put (as the saying goes) on God’s green Earth?  What it was that I was supposed to do in life? What did I have to offer the world? What exactly is my purpose?  And more scarily, what would I do if I failed or came to a roadblock I couldn’t jump over? But now I know. After much questioning and soul searching I am certain of one very important truth: I am a teacher. And I love everything about being one. I love to inspire. I love to share. I love to push students to look past what they can see and talk about how something makes you feel. I love literature. I love that feeling of a student saying “Hi, Ms Topp” in the hallway. I love dissecting literature. I love helping kids one on one. I love seeing that light bulb go on in a student’s head when they grasp a concept for the first time. I love to laugh with my co-workers. I love seeing familiar faces and being appreciated. I love working with ESL/ELL students. I love planning lessons with meaning. I love teaching. And that is exactly what I am… a teacher. It just took me a little while to realize that. And now that I have, nothing will stand in my way of success.

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Tags: Life, My Place In This World, Failure, Teaching, Passion, Losing Your Job, Inspiration, Apprenticeships, Economic Hardship, Realizations