In Transition

*”Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”* The Wonder Years

I know I’m not the only person to feel this way. In fact, I know a lot of people who feel the same way I do right now. But most of the time, that doesn’t make it any easier. It just makes me sad to know, that so many hearts are heavy in the same way that mine is…

A few months ago, I thought I had it all together. I felt closer to God than I ever had before. I was seeking Him daily. I was in constant prayer and thankfulness. My life was always propelling towards God and His love. And I couldn’t wait to share that love with others and be an encouragement to them. As my year of ministry came to a close, I asked God to show me and guide my life in the direction He intended for me and promised to obey. I trusted Him with my whole heart and followed His lead with abandon. And it felt amazing. I had lost myself in God and His will for my life.  I wasn’t afraid of the future or worried about how I would get to the next chapter or my life because I knew God would provide and reveal where He needed me to be (which is a huge feat for someone who plans their every move like I do). And things seemed to be going pretty well. I felt His hand leading me to working for Youth Encounter for this upcoming year and was amazed at how quickly it all fell into place as I prayed about it and began to discern what this year would look like for me. I felt God was leading me back to Minnesota and telling me that taking some time at home would be good for me. I could continue ministry at my home church and finally pursue my dream of becoming a public speaker. I’d get to reconnect with the friends and family I had missed so much and be in one place for more than a few days at a time. In my mind, I assumed coming home would be the most natural and welcoming feeling. And for the first time in my life, I felt God was leading me to the beginnings of a relationship that was fully pleasing to Him. We supported each other in team life. We sought God’s word together and grew in our faith. We began to trust and confide in one another.  He quickly became my best friend. And the more I prayed to God, the more I felt reassured that this was a relationship that I was meant to invest in.

But for some reason, today I am having a hard time feeling many of these things. Each one is still very much in front of me, but they feel so different and much more distant than they did only one month ago.

I am having a hard time feeling God.  And when I look back I know I have for a few weeks now.  It seems like no matter how hard I beg or plead or cry or ask Him to reveal Himself, I just haven’t felt His hand leading me in these past few weeks. I feel like I’ve been listening. I know I’ve been praying. I’ve done my share of crying. I’ve been searching His word for answers. I’ve been searching my heart as well. I’ve been actively trying. But I feel nothing.

I feel a bit selfish just writing those last words because I know the truth. I know God is listening to every single syllable of what I am saying and what I have been saying. I know He has watched me spend days trying to put together my thoughts in my head and on paper concerning the ares where I feel unsettled. He has counted my tears. He’s been holding my hand when I feel like there is no one who will extend theirs to me. He’s been shouldering my fears and lessening my pain. He knows exactly how many times I’ve asked Him to be here. And He’s probably already made Himself known to me. And it’s my fault that I’ve failed to see. I know all of this. I just don’t feel it, yet.

And in this I realize how afraid, and untrusting, and prideful I have become in the few weeks that I felt God slipping away from me, even though I know that I’m the one who has strayed. I also realize how for the past six months or so, I was exactly who God wanted me to be. I truly was following Him. I was trusting His lead and following His footsteps. I did what was right because that is what God called me to do. I had the tough conversations because they were worth it and I loved the people with whom the conversations were needed. I stood up for what I believed in. I listened and responded with love. I was so steadfast in who God was and what His Son meant to me that doing the right thing and following Him became as easy as breathing. I felt God’s love and grace and forgiveness in my heart as I dealt with one my hardest weeks when two very important people in my life disappointed and betrayed me. In that week, I felt strong in Him. I felt worthy in Him. And I stood tall, even in my weakness and held on to my dignity in ways I never had before and in ways I didn’t think I could. I wanted to crumble. I even thought I might. But it seemed that every time I wanted to give up, He was there telling me to continue on in His love. I know that nothing I did in that week kept me strong but it was all God working through me and in my situation for the good.

But somewhere, in the past few weeks, I began to doubt and let fear take over my heart instead of continuing to trust God. Maybe I was doubting myself. Perhaps my feelings. Or even doubting my abilities. And because of that, I began to stray away from where God was leading me. I took my eyes off of Him one day and then continued to look within myself for my own provision and guidance. I began to believe that I could take care of myself, the uncertainty I was having,  and the problems I was facing. I thought I could handle the growing fears I was having and just sweep them under the rug until they were no longer a problem. I started choosing silence instead of being honest with the people that I really cared about. I let relationships suffer. I masked frustration, longing, and hurt with jokes and apathy. I gave up when things began to feel too difficult or I felt too tired or when I felt like I had no fight left in me to make something work. And every morning I put on a smile and pretended to be Ms. Have-It-All-Together. In reality, I was afraid. Of the future. Of change. Of losing things that are so important to me. Of things not being the same and how I would cope with that.

Today, I’m in transition. I hate that word, but it’s true… I am in the midst of life change. Nothing will be the same as it was this time last year or even last month. Nor do I truly want it to be.  I am moving from a once scary past into a future of certainty masked by uncertainty.  The truth is that today, I feel more lost than I have in a long time. I’ve allowed fear and lies to take over the truths that I’ve known for months. And I started to believe them. But deep down, I always knew they weren’t true. And I’m frustrated with myself for falling short of who God has been molding me to be. I know God is working for the good in my life and that He is here. I’m ready to feel Him. I’m desperate for Him. I want to follow Him like I did just a few short weeks ago. And I hope that I feel Him soon…