*”We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy; when we get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood. It’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry; it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, but that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.”* One Tree Hill
This life can be really hard. Things don’t always turn out the way we had hoped or envisioned. And, sometimes, despite our best intentions, efforts, or planning, we are left feelings as though we have failed at the things we truly want to accomplish in life. In fact, I’d bet if you ask most people, they’d say life rarely goes according to plan. We give. We take. We love. We lose. We try. We fail. We trust. We doubt. We are honest. We lie. We learn. We forget. We care. We disregard. We take risks. We live in fear. We fight. We give up.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about contentment and what exactly that word means to me.
In simple terms, to be content is to be satisfied. Fulfilled. At Ease. Untroubled. Tranquil. I wish I could say that since I last wrote that I have been living and feeling these words. Sadly, the opposite is true. I haven’t felt much happiness or peace. I haven’t been feeling very grateful or kind-hearted. I haven’t been excited for the future or overly loving towards others. In fact, for a few weeks, I felt very apathetic. Life seemed uncertain and mundane. Most days, I would have rather spent time alone than with another person. I’ve been stubborn and selfish. I’ve been afraid and uneasy. I’ve been impatient and unapproachable. Since returning home a little over six weeks ago, for much of the time, I have felt like a very weak version of myself.
I’ve been so caught up in what I don’t have, in what I want, in what I’ve yet to achieve, that I’ve failed to truly live and enjoy each day that I’ve been given. The silver linings and rainbows that I am used to seeing quickly became dark rain clouds that followed me around like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. I’ve been panicked and anxious about my future and what career path God will lead me to. I’ve been unsure of how to go about finding discernment and that has left me feeling very uneasy. I’ve also been very fearful and apprehensive about my relationships and how they’ll grow, change, or fail now that I’m back home. Six weeks ago, I honestly felt I no longer fit anywhere and that I didn’t have one stable, reliable relationship. I felt like I had lost the most important and intimate relationship I’d developed and didn’t know how to re-establish relationships with the people back home. Over the course of my time back home, I’ve been missing certain people but have been too stubborn to seek them out or put in too much effort for fear that they don’t value our relationship as much as I do. I’ve also let other relationships suffer because I’ve been too consumed by my own baggage or have been too afraid to truly share how messy I feel my life has been. I also have been struggling with feeling God leading me and have been afraid that I’ll stray from the life He has intended for me and fail to be the woman He intended me to be.
All of these fears… All of these unknowns… All of these worries… All of these realizations… Began to consume my daily life. My mind would travel from one area of “failure” to the next and back again. And then, one day, out of nowhere, I began to feel something inside me telling me to stop. To stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop dwelling on what I don’t have and look around and realize what I do have. To stop being so ungrateful. In the past two weeks, I’ve begun to realize that I’ve been allowing myself to believe lies. I’ve allowed the Devil to take a foothold and tap into my insecurity, doubt, and fear. I’ve allowed myself to dwell so much on my worries and troubles that I’ve stopped trusting that God is holding my life in the palm of His hand and has given me today and this season of life for a specific reason. I’ve been allowing myself to believe that if I only had that one thing, then I’d be happy with everything. If I only was a public speaker I’d be able to travel the world and help more people. If only that one thing hadn’t happened, I’d be more trusting of others. If I only lost those ten pounds, I’d be a much happier person. If I’d only fought harder and been honest, we’d still be together. Blah. Blah. Blah.
If… Only…
The truth is, instead of realizing that God has given me certain things today to prepare me for my future, I’ve been asking Him why He took away what I felt I had and have been longing for things that I am probably not truly ready for. Yes, I feel that God has placed the desire to be a public speaker on my heart. I feel the trials that I have faced and overcome throughout my life have made me want to serve others and help them through similar struggles. But, today, I know I’m not there yet. I know with all my heart that someday I want to be a wife and mother. But I’m not ready to get married and start having kids today. I’m still too afraid to fully let someone know all parts of me. I still have a hard time trusting. I still have a lot of things to work on with myself, with my future husband, and with our relationship with God before I’ll be ready. If I’m being honest I’m a bit disappointed in myself for how I’ve allowed myself to feel these past few weeks. I’ve been so consumed with what I have yet to accomplish instead of finding peace in the process that it takes to achieve those things. I’ve been expecting to win the race when I haven’t even trained for it yet.
It seems so simple to me now. To seek contentment. To be thankful. To trust God and trust myself. To pray about the things on my heart. To act and do what I can to make these things become a part of my future. To allow myself to go through the motions of feeling how I do on a given day. To not dwell on the past. To not long for the future so much that I neglect today. But it took me nearly six weeks to realize, that just as much as being happy or sad, being content is a choice. That doesn’t mean that everyday I wake up feeling cheerful and turn on my contentment switch and never feel anything but pure joy. It just means that I have a choice to make: feel sorry for myself and dwell on what I feel I lack or work and fight like hell for what I want in life.
When I really think about it, the choice seems pretty simple. Get out of bed. Put on your favorite shoes. Trust God. Walk out into the world. Stand tall. Face another day. Work for what you want. Fight hard. Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up hope. Choose contentment.
I like that, “choose contentment”!