Compassion Through The Cummins

*”Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven”* Henry Ward Beecher

Yesterday started out kind of rough for me. For some reason, I can’t really even explain, I just felt alone. I felt sad. I felt exhausted. And I wanted to cry. Nothing in particular had happened, I simply felt this sense of melancholy as I went about my morning. I woke up early after not having slept well and realized that once again I’d be leaving home after seeing family and friends for only two days. This has been my life for the past seven months and has become a part of my routine. I arrive at one place, stay for a few days, and then leave again. The dreaded and painful “good-byes” have gotten easier and have become “see you soons” instead. But for some reason yesterday morning it just seemed extra difficult. I love my family. And I think seeing them after being away for over three months made me realize just how much I truly had missed them while I’ve been away. I miss my mom’s caring nature and cuddles. I missed my dad’s jokes and practicality. I missed my sister’s smile and the smell of her hair. I missed my house and the warm feeling I get when I walk through the door and see the familiarity of home. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to have to miss out on hugging my mom and sharing my day with her. I didn’t want to not be there when my sister got home from her day at college. I didn’t want to miss any more birthdays or family holidays or the everyday life at the Topp Castle. I didn’t want to be missing anymore. I didn’t want to be missed anymore. And I didn’t want to have to miss them anymore.

The day seemed to continue in a similar fashion. I felt sad and alone as I worked through team phone calls and check-ins at the Youth Encounter office. At a place where I normally am so happy and excited to see so many familiar faces, I found myself just wanting to hide in a room and cry. For much of the day, as we traveled I sat quietly in my bench seat in our team van and worked on various things. I listened to my headphones. I felt uneasy. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell my teammates how I felt. But I didn’t want to be vulnerable and I certainly didn’t want to actually cry.  So I remained quiet.

Yesterday, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to a new place, especially one in which we would be staying for only one night. It gets difficult only having a few hours to spend with one family and then packing up and leaving the very next day. I much prefer two or three night bookings in which I get the chance to get to know my host family and share more than one meal with them. We arrived at this adorable country house around 4pm. There were two additional housing units from the main house and our team split up by gender and got to stay in each of them. That seemed pretty exciting. They also had three adorable dogs- a Yellow Lab, an English Mastiff, and a Maltese. I fell in love right away with the white little puppy that looks just like the puppy that I will one day own. 🙂 I held her and cuddled her for the first hour we were there and loved every minute of it. There is something special to me about cuddly puppies who want to be held and loved.

When I got inside the house after bringing my personal belongings to our cabin the kids were all downstairs playing Legos with Andrew. I stayed upstairs and talked with my host mom, Eve, and looked at the pictures of her beautiful family that lovingly covered the walls. She told me the stories of her kids and how she had two children of her own who were in high school and college. She had also adopted two other children and was a foster parent for two more. Right away, I admired Eve and asked her lots of questions about the adoption process and the challenges of adoption. I was mesmerized as I heard her talk and couldn’t help but ask more questions and listen intently as she shared her family’s story with me.

It is no secret that the two things I long for more than anything are to be a wife and mother. I can’t wait to fall in love, walk down the aisle towards the man I will spend eternity with, and hold my first child in my arms. I also have always wanted to adopt a child. I feel God has given me a huge gift in having compassion and a desire to better the lives of children. My heart aches when I hear about kids across the world without a family or someone to love them. It makes me feel fortunate to have grown up in such a loving home and it makes me sad to think that many kids not only lack this type of love but also lack basic necessities like clothes, water, food, and a roof over their head. I want to help stop these sad things from happening- even if I can only change the life of a few kids. So, meeting Eve and hearing about how she brought love, happiness, and a stable life to not one but four kids, I was amazed. These kids were loving. They were smart and polite. They were respectful and had great senses of humor. They were affection towards each other, my teammates, and their parents. And I simply fell in love with each one of them. We ate dinner together and quizzed each other on various school things. We giggled and played together. We talked and we watched a movie. Tony was the oldest at eight years old. He was a great older brother and liked to talk and have his back scratched during the movie. Marco was this beautiful ethnic boy who was very affectionate. He traveled back and forth between Heidi, Jenn, and me for hugs and lots of cuddling. During one part of the movie, he held my hand and melted my heart. Then there was Kia. She was spunky and refused to sit still. She danced during each song on the movie and could barely contain her excitement for us being there.  And then there was Lonnie: a vibrant five year old little blonde with big blue eyes who just loved to cuddle with me and have me play with her hair. She was so sweet and her smile brightened my entire day. We ended the night tucking in the kids, praying with them, and putting their nighttime music on.

As I closed their bedroom door, I realized that in the four hours that I spent with these beautiful children, I felt peace, happiness, and so much love. I felt full of God and His love for me, these children, and the world. As two of the kids came and cuddled with me during the movie, my heart just burst. Hours earlier I was so selfish and sad. I wanted to do nothing more than stay at home and continue to love my family. I didn’t want to travel that day and do my job. I wanted to be lazy and comforted and safe within the walls of my home. But God gave me the opportunity to spend a night with an amazing family that showed me so much about love. He reaffirmed that I truly do want to be a mother and have children of my own. I also want to take care of as many kids as I possibly can. I want God to use me to make this world a better place by changing the life of a child and showing them love. I want to be able to cuddle on the couch and teach them about the world. I want to help them become wonderful and caring people. I want to instill in them compassion and a strong faith in God. I want to be a teacher, a role model, a companion, and someone they can depend on.My day may have started out rough and I may have felt sad. I may have longed for the love of my family and wanted to love them. But my day ended by receiving the love of four kids who I had not known four hours earlier and seeing a call to love kids just like them in the future. My day ended with me seeing a need in our world in which I can make a difference. A need that I feel called to fulfill. A need that can change the life of a child. A need that can also, change me.

*”Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility”* Kate Douglas Wiggins